If we are pursuing Loveless...
...why is he behind us?
That's why.
What's going on?
Nothing. It's fine. Get down.
- Push that magic button. - What are you doing?
Seeing if your Egressor works.
We need a plan.
- Push the button! - Very good.
He's so courageous.
Would you pull on one of those pool cues?
- This one? - Thank you.
You know, courage is only as good as the machinery that supports it.
Good luck.
I have them square in my sights, sire.
As do I, Munitia. As do I!
Fire away!
That's it! I won't let Loveless take me away!
- I'd rather be dead! - That's not a good thing to wish for!
Please, Artie! Don't leave me alone!
Ladies, we need a new train.
- Give me the ball. - I won't!
It's Loveless!
- No, it isn't. - Yes, it is!
An innocent billiard ball this way, but depress the number...
...and on impact it ruins our mission.
- Don't move! - Let go of my leg.
Loveless has fitted us with the same metal device that we found on Morton.
Good morning, gentlemen.
I trust you slept well.
- What have you done with Rita? - Rita, is it? How familiar!
Rita is sleeping off the aftereffects in the stateroom.
She is quite lovely, isn't she?
Who knows? I might even become familiar with her myself.
- That'd be one more reason to kill you. - Oh, yes, Mr. West.
To a no doubt well-endowed blackamoor like yourself...
...it seems impossible that a freak like me could enjoy the pleasure of a woman.
But having witnessed my use of mechanology thus far...
...don't you think I'd devise something for my lower body...
...that was hard-pumping and indefatigably steely?
And, speaking of hard-pumping, Mr. Coleman...
...full steam ahead.
What a marvelous train. You don't mind my borrowing it, do you?
Aside from a lack of wheelchair access...
...I find it a most comfortable way...
...to pass the long miles to my laboratory in Spider Canyon.
By the way, I'll be seeing President Grant soon at Promontory Point.
What shall I tell him for you?
I'm afraid it can't be that you're alive...
...and well!
Get out your toolkit. Get this thing off my neck.
My tools are gone.
"Welcome to Loveless Experimental Camp for Political Dissidents.
There are no guards, no barbed wires.
Stay within the perimeter, you'll stay alive."
I don't have time for this.
See? Nothing.
And now we have to run.
The collars on our necks seem to contain powerful magnets!
As long as we can outrun the blade, we'll be fine!
How long does it take a magnet to lose its power?
- About 400 years! - Damn!
The gully! The gully!
Run for the gully!
Go, Gordon! Go!
Leap into my arms!
Now!
Bless you.
Sorry.
Rita, my dear.
Not that I'm ungrateful to Providence for bringing you back, but I confess...
...I'm a bit curious as to how you managed to wind up with them.
They seemed so sure they could find you, I thought if I stayed with them...
...they'll bring me back to all my friends.
Not to give you a big head, but I kind of missed you.
Well, isn't that a coincidence? Because I kind of miss me too.
What's your plan for getting this thing off my neck?
Excuse me?
That's what you're here for. You're the master of this mechanical stuff.
Oh, I see.
Now I'm the master of this mechanical stuff.
As opposed to five minutes ago, when I was trying...
...to find an intelligent solution to this very problem.
Then something happened. Someone, who'll remain nameless...
Jim!
West!
...decided to jump over the wire...
...providing us with that romp through the cornfield...
...and that death-defying leap into the abysmal muck!
And here we stand, while that demented maniac...
...hurtles toward our President on our only mode of transportation...
...armed with God knows what machinery of mass destruction...
...with the intention of taking over the country!
- I think you need to calm down. - I can't be calm!
I'm the master of the mechanical stuff!
And I have to help you! You!
The master of the stupid stuff!
Wanna get your collar off? I'll get it off!
I don't have a gun. Otherwise, I'd shoot it off!
Here's something in the true Jim West style!
I'll bash it with a rock!
You don't wanna do that.
But I do!
- What did you do? - I didn't do shit!
You've reversed the polarity of your magnet.
I did not do shit!
Be still! Be still!
I'll put my foot in your chest. Push off.
You all right?
I'm just peachy. Can you help me get my boot off?
Sorry!
And that would be my belt buckle.
When you tell this story to your grandkids, leave this part out.
Don't worry.
I'll undo your belt. I'll run that way, you run the other way.
Let me understand your plan. You'll run fast that way and I'll run that way.
- It's ingenious. - Whatever, Gordon.
One, two, three!
Oh, look.
My auxiliary toolkit.
I forgot about it. It must've slipped out of my pocket.
Your pocket?
Why wasn't it on some contraption that shoots out your ass?
That's the first place Loveless would've looked.
What?
Nothing.
No, thank you. I'm fine.
Not quite myself out here.
There's a very large spider on your hand.
He's just trying to get warm.
How is it you know so much about the desert?
I lived out here as a boy. I was raised by the Indians.
Really? Now, that is...
Look, a desert wasp...
...one of the world's greatest hunters.
She'll kill the spider, lay her eggs inside...
...so her babies will have food when they hatch.
Now I'm really hungry.
How did your parents, who I assume were Negro...
...feel about you being raised by Indians?
They didn't have much to say about it.
I was sent to another plantation when I was a boy.
Ran away as soon as my legs were strong enough to take me.
Did you ever see your family again?
They were at the camp at New Liberty.
I'll help you get him, Jim.
You really have no idea where we're going, do you?
I know exactly where we're going.
Going to Spider Canyon.
We'd get there a lot faster if you weren't dragging that thing around.
A lot of scientific ingenuity and hard work went into this.
It'd be a shame to just discard it.
You never know when a high-powered magnet might come in handy.
When you're right, you're right.
Loveless' private track.
This is not a mirage. If this isn't a mirage, then that...
Is Spider Canyon. What now, Mr. Plan Man?
What do we have? Intelligence, a sense of purpose, the element of surprise.
What does Loveless have?
He has his own city.
He has an 80-foot tarantula.
Yes, well, I was coming to that.
Nice to see an invention that actually works.
Most impressive.
If a little ungainly.
He's trapped.
That thing will never get past those rocks.
Gordon, let's go!
Gordon, let's ride!
You do know how to ride?
- Yes, I know how to ride. - A horse.
Yes, when something primitive is called for.
How about now? A giant spider's stomping toward our President.
I was just thinking of another spider.
Remember when that little wasp destroyed the tarantula?
The wasp had an advantage. It could fly.
Exactly.
In 1540, Leonardo da Vinci designed a flying machine, but never finished it.
With some extrapolation and a bit of imagination, I've...
We don't have time for any of your plans or half-baked inventions.
We gotta stick to what we each do best.
"May God continue the unity of our country...
...as this railroad unites the two great oceans of this world."
Good Lord!
Well, now, isn't this a coincidence?
I'm out for a little morning ride...
...and in the middle of nowhere...
...I bump into General Ulysses S. Grant himself.
We've never been properly introduced. I'm Dr. Arliss Loveless...
...formerly of the Confederate Army.
Yes, Dr. Loveless.
It's a fine-Iooking spider you have there.
What can I do for you today?
I have a humble abode nearby. I hope you'll accept my hospitality.
I have a proposition to make.
What proposition is that?
The immediate and unconditional surrender of the United States...
...to the Loveless Alliance!
I didn't realize we were at war.
You have me at somewhat of a disadvantage.
I didn't bring my fly swatter.
How about now?
In matters pertaining to war, the person to talk to would be me.
And now just who are you?
I am the President of the United States.
This man is an actor hired to stand in for me on public occasions.
Not a good actor at that. He's too fat and dull-witted.
You got a lot of brass, Gordon. Where's West?
You know him, sir.
Take this man away!
Captain! Lieutenant!
Sergeant!
Private!
You are dismissed, sir! Leave!
We'll take them both!
Was this part of your plan, Gordon?
Well, I'm by your side, sir. That's what counts.
I got a telegram for a Dr. Loveless from his mother, Irene.
She said, "Come home. Stop all this foolishness."
Bonjour...
... buenas tardes, and good day!
Great, glorious day!
A day of healing for the wrongs that have been done to us all.
How long have we waited?
1776, wasn't it, old bean?
The most expensive cup of tea in history.
Manhattan, for a handful of beads.
How.
"Remember the Alamo," indeed.
Thanks, Artie.
Today, I'm proud to be able to sit before y'all...
...and tell you that the wrongs will be righted...
...the past made present...
...the united, divided!
Great Britain gets back the 13 original colonies, minus Manhattan.
Florida and the Fountain of Youth go back to Spain.
Texas, New Mexico, California, Arizona...
... revolve a Mexico.
And a little piece for me to retire on.
My partner nations insist that we make this as legal as possible.
Personally, I like the symmetry of it.
After all...
...wasn't it you, President Grant, that made us sign a surrender at Appomattox?
Never will I sign that paper.
Never will the United States ever surrender!
We're at loggerheads, then, aren't we?
I suppose the threat of death to someone with your valorous war record...
...would mean nothing.
If you still refuse to sign the surrender...
...we'll start by shooting your man, Gordon.
Don't worry. I'm wearing an Impermeable.
May I make one request?
That she aim at my heart...
...my heart, which has loved this country so much.
Shoot him in the head.
Damn!
Ready!
Aim!
A new girl!
Well, what a nice surprise.
Ebonia, why are you so cruel to me?
This brassiere is killing me.
Thank you.
And this garter belt is riding up my ass.
- Be careful with that dress. - To hell with your damn dress.
We'll have you out of here in a second, Mr. President.
Bye-bye!
- Is she with us? - Captain West, sir.
Oh, he's so graceful!
IKill him!
Him!
Him! Him!
The girl!
Is that the eight ball? Get down.
That wasn't sleeping gas.
No, the eight ball's an incendiary bomb.
The President!
Let's go!
Save the President! We'll be fine!
They're getting away. We gotta do something! We gotta get horses!
Right now we need a plan.
That flying machine idea of yours...
Were you acting like you knew what you were talking about, or can you build it?
Bernoulli was considered insane by his peers.
His theory states that the air over a bird's wing moves...
...at a lower pressure than that below the wing.
That's called lift. And is what we will now attempt.
It's only a theory. It's never been tested.
Here's a little bon voyage present for you guys.
Gunpowder, nitroglycerine and.44 caliber primers.
How the devil do you know about explosives?
U.S. Marshal Coleman. President wanted me to look after you.
But I draw the line at defying gravity, so good luck.
Hold on!
Avanti! Avanti!
- Why isn't this avanti - ing? - Not enough lift!
We need more speed!
- That's a cliff! - Yes, I know!
- That means the ground is gonna end! - I know!
It works! It works!
If you had to get one right, I'm sure glad it was this one.
What kind of fancy name you got picked out for this thing?
Wait, let me guess: An Elevation Enhancer...
...or a Gravity-Repeller Vehicle.
No, I was thinking of something simple.
Air Gordon.
Mr. President, I'll ask you once again:
Sign the surrender, or I will decimate this town!
You've had my answer.
I understand, but I urge you to reconsider in light of the following...!
Hang on, Mr. President!
Here, here.
Let's go!
Gentlemen, I am truly impressed by your effort and ingenuity.
Why not swear an oath of loyalty to me...
...and forego your execution?
I thought I'd stuff your half-ass in one of these cannons...
...and fertilize the landscape with you.
We may not have a woodshed on board...
...but that boy is gonna get a whupping anyway!
You're the one that's supposed to give me my whupping?
Hell, I got one of those.
Gordon only gave me one. Give me a second and I'Il...
Damn!
That's it. No more Mr. IKnife Guy.
I learned that from a Chinaman.
I just made that up.
Nice hat.
No!
Sorry.
Miss Lippenreider, take over the controls.
Somebody promised me a whupping.
Dark-haired fella.
Crazy beard. About your height. Seen him?
You know, Loveless, you just can't beat a good old-fashioned pair of legs.
Well, you're obviously not a poker player, Mr. West.
Four of a kind always beats a pair.
Now, was there someone particularly close to you...
...who perished in that military action?
Well, that struck a nerve.
I likes to beat my feet...
...on the Mississippi mud!
Stop it!
Stop him, please!
Drop it!
Drive. Stop, or I'll shoot.
You expect to kill me with that little peashooter?
If I have to, yes.
Why is it that I am unafraid?
Shoot...
...him...
...Gordon!
Shoot him!
After all that, you missed?
Actually, I didn't.
Thank you.
Your chivalry's about to be tested.
Wait!
Well, Dr. Loveless, I bet you thought it was pretty funny...
...big metal foot on my face and all.
If you ask me, somebody around here...
...owes somebody else around here an apology.
Quit dancing around and figure out how to run this damn thing!
We got a real problem there!
Please, Mr. West!
Show some mercy!
Now don't you fret none, Dr. Loveless.
We got a lovely half-a-jail cell picked out for you.
Please, sir! You fine, dark warrior!
Finding the right combination of levers...
Don't do that again.
I have always admired you, Mr. West.
I want you to understand that.
For four years I've chased the animal responsible for the New Liberty massacre.
I hear that's you.
I am not an animal! I am a visionary!
I am a genius!
And now I am angry! And after I kill you...
...I swear I'm gonna boil you down for axle grease!
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!
How did we arrive in this dark situation?
I have no idea. I'm as stumped as you are.
I'm facing a very difficult problem here.
On the one hand, I have an overwhelming love for myself...
...and on the other, the raw, seething hatred that I have for you.
I could kill you very easily, Mr. West, just by pulling on this lever.
But I would die along with you, hence my conflict.
Decisions...
...decisions.
Allow me to make that decision for you.
Mr. West, although you are as black as the night on the outside...
...inside...
...you are yellow!
You just don't have it in you.
Do you...
...boy?
Now that's a whupping.
Gentlemen, I'm creating a new agency...
...whose purpose is to protect the President.
Welcome to the Secret Service.
Agents number one and number two.
Thank you, Mr. President.
Do you mind if I ask which one is agent number one and which is number two?
I don't think that matters. Do you?
Not if you don't, sir.
Anyway, you'll have plenty of time to discuss it on your new assignment.
See you in Washington, gentlemen.
Mr. President, what about our train?
I'm taking it, of course.
Hell, you let Loveless blow up mine.
My heroes.
Look at you.
You're a vision.
That's a right fine dress you got on.
I wanted to thank you for all you've done for me before I went back to Texas.
Texas? What do you mean?
Come to Washington with me.
Or better yet, come back to Washington with me.
I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you.
Professor Escobar is not my father. He's my husband.
You could've told us that.
Rita, dear, we really must be going.
At least you still have each other.
Jim?
What now, Artie?
Do you mind if I ask you a question?
Actually, I do, Artie.